What Refuels You?
And how often do you actually get to do it?
These were the questions that opened our recent PoShe gatherings. The room confirmed what many of you already know in your body: there is more on your shoulders than you ever signed up for, and most of it has been there so long you stopped noticing.
What We Carry
When the women in the room were asked to name what they were quietly carrying, feeling responsible for, or holding on their plates, the honesty was something to witness.
The plates that are full with some of the following:
The emotional needs of everyone else, handled before our own.
The role of peacekeeper, of being the positive one, of the one who holds it all together when no one else does.
The one who cares for aging parents and carries the emotions of the children.
The pressure of being the breadwinner.
Infertility navigated silently.
Perfectionism.
The full mental load of being the schedule planner.
Burnout.
Fatigue that doesn’t lift no matter how much we sleep.
If you see your own life on this list, you are not alone. And you have never been alone.
How We Got Here
Fifty years ago, in 1974, women in the United States could not open a credit card in their own name without a husband’s signature. It took until 1978 before women could not legally be fired for being pregnant. The laws have changed. The messaging that came with them, perhaps not.
We watched the women around us be nice, keep the peace, take care of everyone else, hold it all together. We watched them look effortless doing it. We absorbed it before we knew it was something to question. We carried it before we ever wondered if it was ours.
Here is the part worth sitting with. When we carry what was never ours to carry, we do not just exhaust ourselves. Without meaning to, we can quietly stand between the people we love and their own growth. Our doing it all can become their reason for never having to step up.
This is awareness work. And awareness is the first thing that gives us choice.
A Small Place to Begin
When you look at what is on your plate, choose one to three things only you can do. Then look at everything else and get creative. Who else might be able to do these things? Be honest with the people around you about how you are feeling, and curious about how to share some of your plates and responsibilities. (Yes, they may not do it the way you would. Can you let “good enough” be enough, so that you have time and breath left for the things that actually matter, including you?)
Next, find five to ten minutes each day to do something that fuels you. Maybe a walk, a few pages of something you love, time outside, or just sitting still long enough to hear yourself think. Where there is discomfort, there is wisdom. The same is true where there is calmness, or groundedness, or even just neutrality. Discomfort will get our attention without us asking. The good has to be noticed on purpose. Survival is automatic; thriving asks us to notice with intention.
If you are looking for somewhere to start, start there. Five minutes a day, across seven days, is thirty-five minutes more than you gave yourself last week. That is not a transformation. It is a beginning, and it is enough.
Making yourself a priority is not selfish. It is critical. Because what you are carrying was never all yours to carry, and the version of you that shows up when you are tended to is the version your people, and you yourself, have been waiting for.
We Can Be the Change
This conversation is generational. What is happening in rooms like these is bigger than any one of us. I have created a Women’s Experience Survey to gather perspectives, because
the messaging we pass down to our daughters, nieces, team members, and the women who come after us only shifts when we are honest about what we have been carrying, and clear about what we no longer want to pass on.
Your perspectives and experiences are valuable and I warmly invite you to complete this brief, confidential and anonymous survey.
Written by Sue Riekels, MA, LPCC | Licensed Therapist, Coach, and Speaker | Power of She Contributor
We love sparking conversations that inspire growth. If this post resonated with you or if you have questions, we'd love to hear from you!📩 Connect with Sue at: sueriekels@sueriekels.com
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